PARENTING
Parenting isn’t a limelight kind of role.
Neither was camerawork. You are supposed to do it quietly in the background and
not hanker for credit. Being a parent, being part of a family, requires one to
surrender one’s arrogance first. This requires the courage to be a nobody for a
while as the child demands that. This one is the hardest as the child's demands take priority over yours. Personal demands pale in front of the child’s demands. Thus, emerges the time
to revisit that version of our life from where one’s self-concept comes from. Suddenly,
we learn to give credit where we never gave it before. We start to notice that
we are who we are, not only despite where we came from, but because of of the
roots and sanskars that grew with us.
One can never plan parenting, because raising
children often positions parents in the minefield of political, social and
cultural conflicts by default. Becoming a parent feels like one has
inadvertently signed up for therapy. Self-therapy, friendship therapy, Internet
therapy, runaway therapy, depression therapy, sacrifice therapy… whatever works
best. This is the time when one says …It’s time for a personal upgrade. Saying
yes to a calmer, better version of oneself.
Children are glorious, they make us laugh,
they are thoughtful teachers, they protect us from ourselves. But do we as
parents ever realize? Children have an innate sense of justice even if they
bring me to the point f breakdown and tears. But, just because I feel like
crying, does not mean I am unhappy. Just because I care for the details, does
not mean I have gone to pieces. Just because I am jittery, does not mean I am
not prepared.
These are feelings and feelings must be felt
& expressed. It leads to better productivity, unleashes creativity and
protects the sanity in our inner self. This ultimately contributes to better lives.
By thinking on their behalf and teaching them to disregard their intuitive
feelings, we scar them for life. Spontaneity is replaced with an unexplained
visceral anxiety, lack of self confidence in decision making and anger.
Brothers and sisters grow up estranged from each other, resentful of their
parents and confused about their own worth in the world. Unless we allow
ourselves to be expressive with our children and teach them to think and
introspect, we are not going to raise children who are better in touch with
their inner selves. No amount of beating, slapping and reprimanding is going to
substitute good old listening and talking.
We negate the power of family with our
ignorance. And then what will happen? Another generation of mindless Facebook
and Twitter updates, among other things. Life is never a straight road. It’s a
lovely loop really. Coming together, then going our own way.
Getting on top of things, then plummeting at top speed. Figuring it out, then
forgetting again. Not always getting it, but being determined to deal with it.
Being a parent and raising children offers us
a second shot at childhood. Growing up means listening to everyone. Growing up as
a parent means listening to everyone and then not listening to anyone. Let sleep
catch up with you wherever it finds you. In parenting, you’ve got to learn when
to run and when to walk. Ears are useful. Hold them and look sorry when the
need arises. Listen. There is so much about our children that we find ourselves
unprepared for. I mean personality traits, future perspectives, world-view
things. “Mamma, what you just said, can you say that again in Hindi?” Choose
your words: Children learn quickly. It’s a familiar story for many of us
grown-ups in India. A polite vocabulary for everyday talk and a gush of words
in which we express our private self, particularly flashes of anger. We switch
languages effortlessly as our moods switch and expressions change. Children
pick this up, too. Suppose we listen to our children express themselves
patiently, let them speak their mind and not be embarrassed by the things they
says casually. What will happen? They will retain confidence in answers instead
of clinging to the security of socially relevant questions. Irrelevant
questions that paralyse us into inaction as helpless adults can enable kids to
feel like responsible, thoughtful, empathetic adults. Give wings to your words,
the children will learn to play with the breeze. It is when we refuse to listen
to children that they begin to express themselves in other ways. They get
crabby, clingy and sickly. They throw tantrums and look for solace in new toys
and things. We do the same as adults when we’re stuck with a conflict that we
are unable to fathom.
As the children tug at you to slow down. Do
nothing. Just listen. Watch. Time will soon fly off. Their attention is sharp,
their insights startling. They are keen stakeholders in our venture called
marriage. There are things we don’t admit to ourselves that our children can
spell out to us simply and articulately. And they do. Children change our life.
The unconditional acceptance s/he will offer will shock us parents and move
things inside us that we didn’t know existed. Strength and vulnerability, love
and exhaustion, illness and laughter, courage and fear - We don’t usually
expect to meet these contrary characters together but love and despair,
exhilaration and exhaustion hold our hands as if they are twins, demanding
equal attention.
As parents, we don’t have to protect our
children from meanness and cruelty and make them incompetent to face the realities
of the world. We have to show them how to deal with it. That’s how we can
change the world around us and influence our children. Our children must feel
that we are there for them as providers and nurturers, and that we are happy to
give them the things they need and enjoy. But when they take it for granted,
and simply grab or pinch things, we need to pull them off the road for a quiet
talk that brings in important concepts such as boundaries, rules and honesty.
“Being there” for our children is to be in a wise but
enabling way, so that they become well-rounded adults, is hard mental and
emotional work, but it must be done. The key seems to be in remaining
interested in your children and not anxiously spreading yourself thin for them
and micromanage their lives. Where does the root of this parenting-forever
phenomenon lie? It starts from the infamous “board exam” days. The child is
“not to be troubled or burdened” with any family responsibilities— be it a sick
grandparent, or a wedding to attend, or helping around the house, or being
social with the extended family. This goes on with the class XII boards, where
the “competition” stakes are higher, so the child is further “protected” from
everyday concerns. So it goes on when the young adult is pursuing higher
qualifications, at a new job, etc. The pursuit of “excellence” (and, therefore,
money) becomes primary and the development of any other socially and personally
useful behaviour is simply not expected of the child. When adult life demands
that they engage in more than just their careers, the parents step in and
provide all the “essential services”. Frankly, this is a way of crippling our
children and ensuring we never can or will step out of the equation in a more
detached and yet loving way as older parents of grown children.
We are and will always remain our children’s
first, most influential, role models. Let the only luck that s parents, we will
ever need is the fortune of being chosen again as their parents, if the
children are given a choice.
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