Mature Friendships resonate with different ingredients - That’s the truth

Life shifts between the pre-50s & post-50s. When I was younger, I heard whispers that making friends gets harder with age. There was talk about how much life changes once a person hits 50. Forming strong bonds and truly connecting with someone becomes a rarity. One can’t find your people as easily as before to hang out with. Now that I’m on the other side of 60, I wish I could say this was an exaggeration. But, it’s true. 

When life stops being structured by institutions that metaphorically lurch you against new people, like college or at work, the numbers game no longer works in our favor. When we’re meeting more people on a regular basis, the chances are higher that a friendship might form. And when that’s no longer the case, those chances are lowered.

Of course, not everyone is a social butterfly either during college or at workplace. Some people naturally prefer their own company or small groups. Others might suffer from social anxiety or depression, both of which make it harder to be sociable in highly dense settings. But even if one does manage to make plenty of friends during the more social times in one's life, why don’t those relationships last? Why do so many friendships fizzle out? Why do conversation topics run dry? Why do more friendships become the casualty of an argument?

People change. As time moves us forward, we are changed by our experiences. When I think back to who I was a decade ago, that person lived by different desires, dreams, values and beliefs. That person’s life and my life greatly diverge. I couldn’t live my life from ten years ago now, and I’m sure the old me was not ready to live in my present. Many of us become more of who we are, and that makes us less flexible. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Too much willingness to bend to the whim of others leads to codependent relationships. Those relationships are fragile for the wrong reasons. They break the moment one starts to consistently assert oneself, at least mentally.

As one changes, so do the circumstances. One might relocate to a different city or get a new job. Maybe one shifts after retirement to a new adventure of self-exploration. One could find oneself examining even the existing relationship. These external factors mould the personality and one's life. The new begins to take the place of the old. Your needs change. As one ages, expectations from friendships change.

From prioritized external validation, excitement, and even escapism when younger to decent company with similar values. The more friends one had, the more one could hold on to the illusion of belonging. As life hands more duties,  responsibities and bigger obstacles, the needs change. This is at least true for people who want to grow up apart, from just growing old. One starts valuing one's own internal validation. The things that held so much significance in the past don’t really matter anymore. The focus shifts. One doesn't crave for universal appeal. One isn't trying to fit in everywhere. The priorities are different now. One just seeks people who share similar values and goals.

For example, if one wants a more travel based life, it will be hard to carve out time for people who don’t enjoy such activities. Similarly, if one is becoming more spiritually conscious or focusing on self development, one will want friends who are on the same page. When this happens, some relationships are bound to end. This is normal, but it’s also one of the most emotionally challenging lessons that life teaches. If one tries to hang on to expired relationships, one might feel stuck and at odds with self. Staying in places that has outgrown oneself is not a good idea in the long run. Quality begins to matter more than quantity. Having a few close friends can be more fulfilling than having hundreds of friends who don’t understand. Think about it. 

What purpose should a friendship serve? If one has contact lists of hundreds of people whom one calls “friends” but wouldn’t actually call, what good is that? As one gets on with building one's life, the need for big groups of friends is just not there anymore. Instead, one will want a higher level of communication and more emotional intimacy with a select few.

I have seen this transition happen in my own life. I have cut my social life down to a handful of very close friends. I did this by using our conversations and the depth of each relationship as a measure. I both value and benefit from my few close relationships more than I ever did from numerous superficial connections. Time matters more. I cringe when I think back to how much time I wasted in my earlier years. I focused on feeling externally validated. I kept investing in friendships that turned out to be a net negative. The sooner one learns how to be discerning, the less time one will waste on useless venturing. One can’t get the past back, but one can protect the present and future by making better decisions.

It might sound peculiar, but I have found that it is critical to really get to know someone before commitment to being their friend. I don’t rush into new friendships, any more. I learn what the person stands for, what their values are, and how they want to grow. I get to know them well. We should be able to share meaningful experiences with each other. It’s probably good to have some conflict too, so we can understand if our conflict resolution styles are healthy. Friendship is a very special bond. It can be a beautiful place of belonging if it works out, but it can also be a just a valueless word that gets thrown around to describe people who are little more than acquaintances. I have learned to treat the process of befriending someone seriously.

This was a huge perspective-shift for me. When I was younger, I just wanted to befriend people who seemed familiar. The connection had to be “natural”. This might seem like a better approach on the surface, but for someone with a history of toxic relationship examples, going for what feels natural can be a big mistake. When I did this, the friends who “felt right” turned out to be very wrong for my psychological health.

Many of us struggle with finding healthy relationships, but when one decides to be selective about the people in one's life, there will be at least an attempt to keep out those who are blatantly toxic. And once these changes are implemented, be prepared for pushback.

I can assure you that people who don’t respect you will take offense when they meet your boundaries, now. When things get tough, remind yourself that the little time left behind, belongs to you. It is a limited and unpredictable currency, and you have the right to use it in ways that add meaning to your life. Rest can go and drown themselves.

Why, why, why …Why are we increasingly hearing that children let down their parents in old age?

No gratitude is the principle followed by the coming generation. Why so? This because they feel that what their parents did was their duty not sacrifice not love not emotions. Personally, I feel that this all is the aftermath of the tv Invasion that doles out shows without fodder for the brain. Thoughtless movies full of violence and abusive language serve no purpose but imitation. With parents and children often watching such things together, the line of limit is over. Another reason is because of apathy. A totally lack of feelings or concern for parents when they grow up and become independent. This apart, out of compulsion, children may have to stay away from the parents due to their livelihood. So they need to fly off the nest and unlike the past habit of visiting hometown during festivals, the current trend is to visit exotic places around the world. 

So, feelings for the aging parents take a backseat and from there into the dickie. The outcome is that such children won't even give it a thought before repeating harsh, insensitive words in front of anyone.

The circle of karma is what the current generation is forgetting. I wish had the magic to show the past lives of happy and suffering people so that the realisation of karma on what you sow is what you reap can be displayed, to all, as evidence. 

But, life is also about…what goes around, comes around and forgetting this in youth, gets to be a reminder for some, in their old age, around of their youth and their failings.

What is love?

Inspite of enormous knowledge, which humans have absorbed, there are some questions and issues which seem to be still unanswered. One of the most intiguing, absorbing, and fascinating topics is the oft repeated question, “What is love?” 

Love appears to be a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes which ranges from interpersonal affection to pleasure. 

Since people often disagree about what love is or what the word "Love" means, I suggest a usage and classification that is meant to be clear and that is also meant to capture the important features of the varied ideas people, now, have about the subject.

Love means different things to different people. For some, love can be purely romantic, for others real Love truly exists only between family members, and for some love is everywhere and can concernn aything. Nonetheless it seems inevitable that love is one of the most beautiful and strongest feelings in the world.

A rational approach to "Love" can exist not just by voicing unsupported opinion, but giving evidence from relationships and their components in a rational way through insight, perspective, and knowledge from looking at ordinary experiences.  Based on this conjecture, i think there seems to be 3 distinguishable types of love: conceptual love, love to family members, and love to a partner.

Little do people know how easy it is to fall in love, not only in others but also in things.“Conceptual love” is a feeling toward objects such as jewelry, shoes, and a wide variety of other items usually closely connected with people’s hobbys and interests. Very similar feeling can be perceived towards animals which are frequently treated as family members, nonetheless this affection is not as strong as an attachment bewteen people in one family.

Family members trust each other, rely on each other, and take care of each other; however there is a special relationship which pretends to be the strongest one in family relations, viz.: parent’s love for a child. This emotional bond comes from a natural instinct to protect the offspring and what is more, is that this love can often start before the baby is even born.

The last type of love, which is very often believed to be the most beautiful one is the affection between partners, people of any description, be they married or cohabiting, boyfriend and girlfriend, straight or gay, young or old. This love is a relationship of mutual understanding and respect. In this sort of love, in any relationship between 2 people the ultimate is when it is indestructible und unconditional.

Newton's third law of Karma

Introduction

The answer to everything is within self with the power to grow as a person and not let external factors affect you. Since, every action has an equal and opposite reaction, how is it any different from karma?! Putting it into simpler words, it would be just the mystic law of Cause and Effect, which is exactly what Karma is all about. It is nothing, but science.

Buddhism

Buddhism is a philosophy that believes in the Buddha nature of each one of us and because every living organism in this universe is a Buddha, it symbolizes that we all have limitless potential within ourselves that we can even move mountains. All we need to do is devote ourselves to the mystic law of cause and effect. While this Mystic Law cannot be easily explained, it is encapsulated in the Lotus Sutra wherein Shakyamuni Buddha says, that his disciples and future followers can awaken to this law in their own lives.

The lotus flower

The lotus flower symbolises the law of simultaneity of cause and effect as it blooms and seeds at the same time. The Sutra is a teaching that encourages an active engagement with mundane life and all its challenges. The flower blooms in muddy water, rises above it and turns towards the light (enlightenment). The lotus flower is a symbol of strength, perseverance, fortune and promise in adverse situations life throws at us. The mud that one has to rise above, represents the suffering that all human beings are born into. This suffering is a part of the journey of enlightenment since it is a test that will determine whether or not one is strong enough to break free from the muddy water. It is just a flower, but it is so much more than a flower. The fact that this beautiful flower blooms only from the muddy water reflects that it takes its nourishment from the bad while retaining its purity. It is used as an analogy for humans to bring forth their wisdom, courage and compassion through their adversity challenges and difficulties.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

Some 1,500 years after Shakyamuni passed away, “Nam-myoho-renge-kyo,” - the fundamental law that is the essence of all life and phenomena crystallized in universally accessible form the ultimate reality expounded in the Lotus Sutra. Teachings opened the way for all people to awaken to their Buddha nature. Something that will revive their weary, battered lives and fill them once again with hope and vigour. So, when one starts practicing this law, one realizes that there is no one to be blamed but themselves for every action that has been done and it is only them who can do their own human revolution by fighting against all the odds and building an island of faith.

The next question that arises is how does one overcome all the obstacles and hindrances in life? In essence, the lotus flower is a living proof in action. While we’re living out the effects from our past actions (karma) we are creating effects that make the future. Like how they say, “You reap what you sow.” 

What exactly is Nam-myoho-renge-kyo?

lNam derives from the sanskrit word Namu or Namas, which means ‘to devote one’s life’.

lMyoho is the ‘mystic law’. Myo is the name given to the mystic nature of life, and ho to its manifestation. Myo and ho correspond to death and life, respectively.

lRenge means the ‘lotus flower’ that blooms and produces seeds at the same time. It represents the simultaneity of cause and effect and explains that we can change ourselves and thus, our destiny.

lKyo means ‘sutra’, or ‘voice’ or ‘teaching’ expounded by the Buddha.

“There is no true happiness for human beings other than chanting Nam-myhoho-renge-kyo (diamoku). Through the practice of chanting diamoku, our inner Buddhahood can spring forward to increase the splendour and power of our lives. By chanting this, we are not petitioning an external being to act in our favour; instead we are expressing our determination to bring forth our  highest life potential. We don’t just sit and wait for people or circumstances to change. Through our own powerful inner resolve, we change ourselves and seek to exert a positive effect on our environment.

When we sow the seed of happiness that is faith in the mystic law, and carefully tend its growth, it will produce fruits of good fortune without fail. We have to bear in mind, however, that we cannot sow a seed today and expect it to bear fruit tomorrow. That’s not reasonable and Buddhism is reason. If we persevere in the practice of “faith equals daily life” in accord with reason, then our prayers will be answered beyond doubt, because we have the power to do anything and everything.

A poetic metaphor

lA poetic metaphor describes this process aptly - When a caged bird sings, birds who are flying in the sky are thereby summoned and gather around,and when the birds flying in the sky gather around, the bird in the cage strives to get out. Similarly, when we chant the mystic law; our buddha nature, being summoned, will invariaby emerge. Wonderful, is it not?

lEvery action we take molds our characters for the future. Both positive and negative traits can become magnified over time as we form habits. All of these cause us to accumulate karma. Buddhists believe we are in control of our ultimate fates. The problem is that most of us are ignorant of this, which causes suffering. The purpose of Buddhism is to take conscious control of our own behavior.

lTherefore, every action (cause) = an equal and opposite reaction (effect).

lSo, we create our own future by the choices we make in each moment. Our actions and thoughts are entirely our own responsibility, creating our karma. Each of our thought and action will have an equal and opposite reaction, so do not send anything out that you wouldn’t like coming back to you.

'Saptapadi' or 'Saat Phere'

"Seven steps"

The word, Saptapadi means "Seven steps". The tradition of taking 7 steps around the fire or 'Saptapadi' or 'Saat Phere' is an important rite of any Hindu Marriage Ceremony, irrespective of the region. In this rite the bride and groom are symbolically brought together through the marriage knot and then asked to  circumambulate a (sacred) fire or the Agnideva 7 times reciting specific vows which represent everything from nourishment, strength, hapiness to progeny, long life, harmony & understanding. After taking these 7 sacred rounds or 7 life-changing steps and exchanging the vows; the couple agrees to be companions forever. But, how many of us really know the significance of the 7 steps – why the 7 rounds around the fire are important in marriage? According to Sanskrit Saptha means - 7 and then what does padhi mean? 7 steps with 10 different meanings is collectively called Saptha padhi. Here is the meaning of the seven different things and the relative importance in life of the married couple.

1.    7 Kama" (lust), "Lobha" (greed), "Kroda" (anger), "Moha" (anxiety), "Mada" (conceit) and "Matsarya" (envy), "Ahankara"(pride).- By leaving all these 7 evils behind both the bride and bridegroom promise not leave each other.

2.    7 colours of the rainbow – VIBGYOR

·         Violet – Sweetness.

·         Indigo - peace full like night.

·         Blue - pleasent as morning sky.

·         Green - healthy

·         Yellow -  Generally In Hinduism yellow is symbol of auspicious and good things.

·         Orange - Kashayam  in Hindusim is mostly worn when they enter to lords place which is considered to be true color to devotion.

·         Red- Kumkum – it’s not danger, but like spice; adds taste to life have a meaning for the life.

Life is common with problems. Even in any of the 7 experiences of life they would walk together and yet, treasure the colourful life.

3.    7  directions of the path – with 8 directions, the mention is for 7 only because despite there being 8 directions but in our life, we must pray and hope that we never get a chance to go in backward direction and hence, it’s only the 7 directions we need to choose and keep going forward.

4.    7 Saptha rushi- During the re-incarnation of the world; only [7] Saptha rushis were alive and saved by lord Vishnu. Hence, they form the base for knowledge. Bowing to them would propel one forward by obeying the Vedas written by them.

5.    7 Sapth Graha - not including the moon and sun which are included as Navagraha in Hinduism. Why so? We can get blessings of sun and moon by bowing to them directly. But for the remaining 7, one needs to get blessings symbolically by one step for each of them.

6.    7 Days of the week – this is symbolic of the fact that the couple would be with each other; all the time and in all kinds of situation extending support to each other to lead a happy life.

7.    7 to be immersed in all the 7 worlds. The seven lokas, may be briefly described as:

·         Bhûhû - earth, the physical world

·         Bhuvaha - astral/desire/breath, the world of becoming

·         Suvaha - mental, the world of thinking

·         Mahaha - causal, silent mind, the world of emotion

·         Janaha - world of creative generation

·         Tapaha - world of intuition

·         Satyam - world of absolute truth

8.    7 Notes of the music- The way the 7 notes of the music make great tunes; similarly, the couple should strike a musical cord through the ups and downs of life for a wonderful and pleasant life of togetherness.

9.    7 Lives - why the 7 lives and why not 8 lives live together? For this, a small story should be recollected of Jaya and Vijaya Dwara [palakas of the Lord Vishnu] - When they were cursed by Rishis to take birth on Earth. As Jaya and Vijaya plead, asking the way to redemption and for getting back to Vaikuntam, Lord Vishnu Says - "you should either take birth for 7 livs as a devotee and follow all ashram dharmas to reach me  OR take 3 lives as demon and keep chanting my name to get killed by me and come back". So, as Lord Vishnu said, 7 lives are needed to reach him by following all the Ashrams of life. For all the 7 lives, the prayer is to seek the same life partner to complete and reach lord successfully.

10. 7 final - Give respect to each other. Uphold the good name of both the families that can be remembered for at least 7 generations. In earlier times, it was common for families to harbour 6 to 7 generations, since marriages were early and life span was more).

My understanding of the Puranas

• The Puranas (Sanskrit: purāṇa, "of ancient times") are ancient Hindu texts eulogizing various deities and are supplementary explanations of the Vedas through divine stories. Vyasa, the narrator of the Mahabharata, is traditionally considered the compiler of the Puranas.
• All the Puranas belong to the class of 'Suhrit-Samhitas,' or friendly treatises, markedly differing in authority from the Vedas, which are called the 'Prabhu-Samhitas' or the commanding treatises.
• The Puranas have the essence of the Vedas and were written to popularize the thoughts contained in the Vedas. They were meant, not for the scholars, but for the ordinary people who could hardly fathom the high philosophy of the Vedas. The Vedas and Puranas are one and the same in purpose. They ascertain the Absolute Truth, which is greater than everything else. The aim of the Puranas is to impress upon the minds of the masses the teachings of the Vedas and to generate in them devotion to God, through concrete examples, myths, stories, legends, lives of saints, kings and great men, allegories and chronicles of great historical events.
• The Puranas are mainly written in the form of a dialogue in which one narrator relates a story in reply to the inquiries of another.
• Puranas usually give prominence to a particular deity, employing an abundance of religious and philosophical concepts and are usually written in the form of stories related by one person to another. The Puranas are distinguished as Maha-puranas and Upa-puranas, both being 18 in number. Srimad Bhagavata and Varaha-purana are considered the Maha-puranas.
• The MahaPuranas are frequently classified according to the Trimurti (Trinity or the 3 aspects of the divine intended) but as all men are not equal, the Padma Purana classifies the puranas for the 3 types of men, in accordance with their 3 gunas or qualities of Sattva (Truth and Purity), Rajas (Dimness and Passion) and Tamas (Darkness and Ignorance) into sattvik ,rajasic and tamasic puranas, each consisting of 6 puranas.
• Of the 18 major texts,

1. 6 are Sattvic Puranas glorifying Vishnu;
2. 6 are Rajasic and glorifying Brahma; and
3. 6 are Tamasic and they glorifying Shiva.

They are categorized serially in the following list of Puranas:

Bhagavat Purana	18,000 verses	the most celebrated and popular of the Puranas, describing Vishnu's ten Avatars. Its tenth and longest canto narrates the deeds of Krishna, introducing his childhood exploits, a theme later elaborated by many Bhakti movements.
Vishnu Purana	23,000 verses	Describes the many deeds of Vishnu and various ways to worship him.
Naradiya Purana	25,000 verses	Describes the greatness of Vedas and Vedangas.
Garuda Purana	19,000 verses	Describes death and its aftermaths.
Padma Purana	5 5,000 verses	Describes the greatness of Bhagavad Gita. Hence, it is also known as gītāmāhātmya (the majesty of Gita).
Varaha Purana	24,000 verses	Describes various forms prayer and devotional observances to Vishnu. Many illustrations also involve Shiva & Durga.
Brahma Purana	10,000 verses	Describes the Godavari and its tributaries.
Brahmanda Purana	12,000 verses	Includes Lalita Sahasranamam, a text some Hindus recite as prayer.
Brahma-Vaivarta Purana	17,000 verses	Describes ways to worship Devis, Krishna and Ganesha.
Markandeya Purana	09,000 verses	The Devi Mahatmya, an important text for the Shaktas, is embedded in it.
Bhavishya Purana		Signifies a work that contains prophecies regarding the future.
Vamana Purana	10,000 verses	Describes areas around Kurukshetra in North India.
Matsya Purana	14,000 verses	Narrates the story of Matsya, the first of ten major Avatars of Vishnu. It also contains genealogical details of various dynasties. Narrates the story of Matsya, the first of ten major Avatars of Vishnu. It also contains genealogical details of various dynasties.
Kurma Purana	17,000 verses	Is the second of ten major avatar of Lord Vishnu.
Linga Purana	11,000 verses	Describes the magnificence of Lingam, symbol of Shiva & origin of the universe. It also contains many stories of Lingam one of which entails how Agni Lingam solved dispute between Vishnu & Brahma.
Shiva Purana	24,000 verses	Describes the greatness of Shiva, worthiness in worshiping Shiva and other stories about him.
Skanda Purana	81,100 verses	Describes the birth of Skanda (or Karthikeya), first son of Shiva. The longest Purana, it is an extraordinarily meticulous pilgrimage guide, containing geographical locations of pilgrimage centers in India, with related legends, parables, hymns and stories. Many untraced quotes are attributed to this text.
Agni Purana	15,400 verses	Contains details of Vastu Shastra and Gemology

• Foremost among the many Puranas are the Srimad Bhagavata Purana and the Vishnu Purana. In popularity, they follow the same order. A portion of the Markandeya Purana is well known to all Hindus as Chandi, or Devimahatmya. Worship of God as the Divine Mother is its theme. The list of 18 puranas is sometimes enlarged to 20, to include the Vayu Purana and the Harivamsa = 16,000 verses and is considered to be itihāsa (epic poetry).
• The topics that form the subject matter of a Maha-purana are primary creation, secondary creation, means of sustenance, protection including Incarnations, epoch of Manus, genealogy of royal and priestly lines from Bhahma down, dynastic history of distinguished emperors, dissolution, purpose of all creative activity and ultimate support or the substratum.
• Of the ten subjects, the last one, the Supreme Being Who is the final stay of all, and to which man's devotion is to be unconditional and total, forms the one theme with which the Bhagavata is primarily concerned. All other subjects are subordinated to it. The object is to bring man into an adequate conception of His excellences and to generate in him unconditioned devotion to the Lord.
• As for Varaha-purana, it deals mainly with primary creation and secondary creation. It is full of religious and theological matters and glorification of the gods, mainly Visnu.
• The Pauranikas say that their accounts are traditions based on the intuition, inspiration and revelation that have come to wise and realized sages.
• The immortal works of literature and art that have survived several centuries are always considered the works of intuition, inspiration and revelation. On the other hand, rationalists contend that the contents of the Puranas are either imaginary or absurd and do not have historical validity.

Prayers - why do I?

There have been several occasions in my life when I have been asked 2 questions –

1. What is the need for prayers or prarthana?
2. Why do I pray?

Out of curiosity, I did a short introspection and here are my findings. Most major religions in the world involve prayer in one way or another in their rituals. Prayer is considered to be an integral part of the Hindu way of living. The Gita and the Vedas play a vital role in Hinduism in the rituals of prayers. The chanting of mantras is the most popular form of praying in Hinduism. The word ‘Prarthana (prayer) is derived from 2 words - ‘pra’ & ‘artha’ meaning pleading fervently.

• In other words, Prayer includes respect, love, pleading and faith and involves asking The Lord for something with intense yearning. 
• The words used in prayer may take the form of intercession, a hymn, chanting words of gratitude, or a spontaneous utterance in the person’s praying words.
• Praying is done in public, as a group, or in private and has different forms which include prayers reflecting praise, requesting guidance or assistance, confessing sins or an expression of one’s thoughts and emotions.

In addition to these conclusions, I wish to offer my own thoughts on why I pray:

1. Prayer is my first resort rather than my last resort to ensure God always guides me, not by preventing problems for me but by providing solutions for the problems constantly.
2. Through a prayer I wish I succeed in expressing my helplessness and thus endow the task for help to God.
3. I pray for wisdom and guidance through the maze of life that is always sidetracked with a lot of distractions and diversions. 
4. I pray to build bonds with Him in good times rather than run to Him only as bad times.
5. I pray so that I get to know God better and request for an altruistic relationship with all.
6. I pray to ask for strength to overcome trying times. 
7. I pray because when there is no crutch, prayers offer me solace and the belief that my words for help will be heeded.
8. Another reason for me to pray is for the purpose of repentance.
9. Praying permits me to seek God's help the purpose of my life. I think one of the most important purposes of prayer is to bring my will into synchronized correspondence with God’s will.
10. After all, hope keeps the world alive. My hopes lie in the strength of my prayers in the language that I do not understand but which I find pleasing to my ears – Sanskrit.