Life shifts between the pre-50s & post-50s. When I was younger, I heard whispers that making friends gets harder with age. There was talk about how much life changes once a person hits 50. Forming strong bonds and truly connecting with someone becomes a rarity. One can’t find your people as easily as before to hang out with. Now that I’m on the other side of 60, I wish I could say this was an exaggeration. But, it’s true.
When life stops being structured by institutions that metaphorically lurch you against new people, like college or at work, the numbers game no longer works in our favor. When we’re meeting more people on a regular basis, the chances are higher that a friendship might form. And when that’s no longer the case, those chances are lowered.
Of course, not everyone is a social butterfly either during college or at workplace. Some people naturally prefer their own company or small groups. Others might suffer from social anxiety or depression, both of which make it harder to be sociable in highly dense settings. But even if one does manage to make plenty of friends during the more social times in one's life, why don’t those relationships last? Why do so many friendships fizzle out? Why do conversation topics run dry? Why do more friendships become the casualty of an argument?
People change. As time moves us forward, we are changed by our experiences. When I think back to who I was a decade ago, that person lived by different desires, dreams, values and beliefs. That person’s life and my life greatly diverge. I couldn’t live my life from ten years ago now, and I’m sure the old me was not ready to live in my present. Many of us become more of who we are, and that makes us less flexible. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Too much willingness to bend to the whim of others leads to codependent relationships. Those relationships are fragile for the wrong reasons. They break the moment one starts to consistently assert oneself, at least mentally.
As one changes, so do the circumstances. One might relocate to a different city or get a new job. Maybe one shifts after retirement to a new adventure of self-exploration. One could find oneself examining even the existing relationship. These external factors mould the personality and one's life. The new begins to take the place of the old. Your needs change. As one ages, expectations from friendships change.
From prioritized external validation, excitement, and even escapism when younger to decent company with similar values. The more friends one had, the more one could hold on to the illusion of belonging. As life hands more duties, responsibities and bigger obstacles, the needs change. This is at least true for people who want to grow up apart, from just growing old. One starts valuing one's own internal validation. The things that held so much significance in the past don’t really matter anymore. The focus shifts. One doesn't crave for universal appeal. One isn't trying to fit in everywhere. The priorities are different now. One just seeks people who share similar values and goals.
For example, if one wants a more travel based life, it will be hard to carve out time for people who don’t enjoy such activities. Similarly, if one is becoming more spiritually conscious or focusing on self development, one will want friends who are on the same page. When this happens, some relationships are bound to end. This is normal, but it’s also one of the most emotionally challenging lessons that life teaches. If one tries to hang on to expired relationships, one might feel stuck and at odds with self. Staying in places that has outgrown oneself is not a good idea in the long run. Quality begins to matter more than quantity. Having a few close friends can be more fulfilling than having hundreds of friends who don’t understand. Think about it.
What purpose should a friendship serve? If one has contact lists of hundreds of people whom one calls “friends” but wouldn’t actually call, what good is that? As one gets on with building one's life, the need for big groups of friends is just not there anymore. Instead, one will want a higher level of communication and more emotional intimacy with a select few.
I have seen this transition happen in my own life. I have cut my social life down to a handful of very close friends. I did this by using our conversations and the depth of each relationship as a measure. I both value and benefit from my few close relationships more than I ever did from numerous superficial connections. Time matters more. I cringe when I think back to how much time I wasted in my earlier years. I focused on feeling externally validated. I kept investing in friendships that turned out to be a net negative. The sooner one learns how to be discerning, the less time one will waste on useless venturing. One can’t get the past back, but one can protect the present and future by making better decisions.
It might sound peculiar, but I have found that it is critical to really get to know someone before commitment to being their friend. I don’t rush into new friendships, any more. I learn what the person stands for, what their values are, and how they want to grow. I get to know them well. We should be able to share meaningful experiences with each other. It’s probably good to have some conflict too, so we can understand if our conflict resolution styles are healthy. Friendship is a very special bond. It can be a beautiful place of belonging if it works out, but it can also be a just a valueless word that gets thrown around to describe people who are little more than acquaintances. I have learned to treat the process of befriending someone seriously.
This was a huge perspective-shift for me. When I was younger, I just wanted to befriend people who seemed familiar. The connection had to be “natural”. This might seem like a better approach on the surface, but for someone with a history of toxic relationship examples, going for what feels natural can be a big mistake. When I did this, the friends who “felt right” turned out to be very wrong for my psychological health.
Many of us struggle with finding healthy relationships, but when one decides to be selective about the people in one's life, there will be at least an attempt to keep out those who are blatantly toxic. And once these changes are implemented, be prepared for pushback.
I can assure you that people who don’t respect you will take offense when they meet your boundaries, now. When things get tough, remind yourself that the little time left behind, belongs to you. It is a limited and unpredictable currency, and you have the right to use it in ways that add meaning to your life. Rest can go and drown themselves.
