Does changing the Mind-Set affect our ageing?

The truth

One cannot stop the march of time, but there is no need to dread it. People who think positively about getting older often live longer, healthier lives. At a pre-departure briefing this summer, we discovered Ms. Joshi climbed as a co-traveller. The occasion? Celebration of her 90th birthday in Japan along with an unknown group whom she planned to cultivate and win as friends. “I’ve always looked forward to travel at this stage of life where there’s a lot more peace without the struggles of daily existence and survival that enveloped me when younger,” said Ms. Joshi, who lives in Thane, India, and is a retired school teacher. Her enthusiasm for making the most of what comes across her age could be part of the reason she has lived such a long, rich life. While everyone’s experience with aging is different, experts are increasingly finding that having a +ve mind-set is associated with aging well.

 

The proof

A decades-long study of 660 people published in 2002 showed that those with +ve beliefs around getting older lived 7½ half years longer than those who felt -vely about it. Since then, research has found that a +ve mind-set towards aging is associated with lower BP, a generally longer and healthier life and a ↓ risk of developing dementia. Research also shows that people with a more +ve perception of aging are more likely to take preventive health measures — like exercising — which, in turn, may help them live longer. -ve stereotypes of aging are everywhere and breathing in such beliefs can affect our view of the process & our health, says Becca Levy, author of “Breaking the Age Code: How Your Age Beliefs Determine How Long and Well You Live.” A 2009 study, for example, found that people in their 30s who held -ve stereotypes of aging were significantly more likely to experience a cardiovascular event like a heart attack or stroke, later in life than those with positive ones.

 

The Course correction

·       People can strengthen their positive age beliefs at any age. In one 2014 study, 100 adults — with an average age of 81 — who were exposed to +ve images of aging showed both improved perceptions of aging and improved physical function.

·       To change -ve age beliefs, one needs to become more aware of them and this is where the old benefits of diary writing kick in. Try a week of “age belief journaling,” in which you write down every portrayal of an older person — whether in a movie, on social media or in a conversation. Then question if that portrayal was negative or positive, and whether the person could have been presented differently. Simply identifying the sources of your conceptions about aging can help you gain some distance from negative ideas.

·       Associating aging with only loss or limitation means that you’re not getting the full picture of what it means to age. Instead shift your attention - look around for role models, see who’s doing it well. It might just be someone who attends a yoga class every week or volunteers for a cause.

·       Search and discover 5 older people who have done something you deem impressive or have a quality that you admire, whether it’s falling in love later in life, showing devotion to helping others or maintaining a commitment to physical fitness.

·       Research suggests that optimistic women are more likely to live past 90 than less optimistic women, regardless of race or ethnicity. But thinking more positively about aging doesn’t mean cover real concerns with happy thoughts or using phrases like “You haven’t aged!” as a compliment. Such things are tone-deaf. Instead, try to look at the honest reality with optimism. If you’re feeling deflated that your table tennis game isn’t as strong in your 70s as it once was, remind yourself: “No, I can’t play tennis like I did when I was 50, and I can only play for 10 minutes. But I can still play.”

·       Challenge your own fears about getting older and examine what worries you have about the process and then reflect on how troubling those concerns actually are.

·       If you are having an issue with your left hip or knee, don’t feel that I’m old and that is why I feel stiff and creaky but revive yourself by feeling hey, my right hip isn’t stiff and creaky, and it’s the same age. The point is that while getting older may be contributing to the hip or knee pain, it’s not the only factor because associating age with disability scares people.

·       Research has shown that emotional well-being generally increases with age, and certain aspects of nonsense recognition, and conflict resolution, often improve in later life. Focus on aspects like these that you are gaining, too. With time, we are likely to develop more resilience – the ability to cheer up and bounce back.

 

The conclusion

Successful aging does not mean that we won’t get sick, encounter loss or require care at some point, or changing any mind-set is easy. But if we can, it will allow us to see ourselves more clearly “as a person with lived experience and profound wisdom” as we age.

My 6th sense

 All of us know that the human experience is largely defined by our 5 primary senses: sight, hearing, taste, touch, and smell. Although these senses allow us to interact with and understand the world around us, there is a long-standing belief in the existence of a "sixth sense"—an intuitive ability that goes beyond the physical senses. I think I get glimpses of the same in my life as I traverse the path of daily existence. Though not often, I do get this innate feeling once in a way. This 6th sense, often referred to as extrasensory perception (ESP), encompasses a range of phenomena that cannot be simply explained by my traditional five senses. My encounters with my 6th sense includes abilities such as telepathy (mind-to-mind communication), clairvoyance (seeing events or objects beyond normal perception) and precognition (predicting future events).

In ancient Greece, the Oracle of Delphi was believed to possess the ability to foresee the future. In many indigenous cultures especially in south India, shamans and spiritual leaders are thought to have heightened intuitive abilities that allow them to communicate with the spirit world. My scientifically inclined friends will be sceptical of my 6th sense due my inability to provide any empirical evidence and the scientific consensus echoes that rigorous and reproducible evidence is needed to validate these phenomena. However, there have been numerous studies and experiments aimed at investigating ESP with some experiments having yielded intriguing results.

Like me, there are many people who report experiencing moments of intuition or "gut feelings" that seem to transcend logical explanation. This everyday intuition can manifest as a sudden feeling of danger, a sense of knowing what someone is about to say, or an inexplicable urge to take a particular action. Before rubbishing it, think of people capitalizing on this concept of the sixth sense and converting that into a popular theme in literature, films & television. Movies like "The Sixth Sense" and TV shows like "Stranger Things" have explored the idea of individuals with extraordinary perceptual abilities. These portrayals often blend various elements with the possibilities of the unknown to captivate audiences and introduce the concept of PO as possible after yes and no. No doubt that the existence of the sixth sense remains a topic of debate, but it continues to intrigue and inspire. 

Whether viewed through the lens of science, spirituality, or popular culture, the idea of a hidden, intuitive ability challenges our understanding of human perception and the mysteries of the mind. My 6th sense is uncanny and unjustifiable. It is here to stay all during my stay on this planet!

The Politics of Smile

 I am tired of the “Can I get a smile?” and “Smile, it’s not that bad!” comments that are a too common part of thoroughbred city life. I am tired of things like the “Smile! You look tired” demand from the rickshaw driver, who recently dropped me at the airport. Delivering a grin and a chirpy “I’m fine, how are you?” seems like an unnecessary cheerful bluff, even slightly deranged. Although smiling may be a universal sign of positivity, there are cultural differences. It is well known that women are often expected to smile to make others feel more comfortable. 

This expectation also seems like a big part of American existence. The wide American smile is a relatively recent development. Americans smile far more than people do in other home countries. Does America’s emphasis on smiling say something about a desire for happy endings, for appeasement and artifice? Or do they smile more as a way to cope with troubles or as a source of comfort? Maybe it’s Americans’ access to orthodontics & cosmetic dentistry that a “Hollywood smile” of bleached and blinding-white teeth has become a defacto standard. This makes the American smiles more assertive, reflecting Americans’ rating of themselves as more dominant. 

The more corrupt a society is, the more its citizens see smiling as suspicious. A 2015 study concluded that people in countries having a long history of immigration do smile more than those in other countries as smiling is a form of nonverbal communication between those who don’t share a language.

Smiling when you don’t feel like it has been proven to make you feel good by producing actual feelings of happiness. I have tried it and it does work, but I don’t want to be ordered to smile because if a smile is the appearance of happiness, then to be commanded to smile takes away my right to my own feelings forcing me to appear happy, even if I am not. 

My smiling boycott did feel a little risky as there may be something about my neutral expression that comes across as seeming worried or displeased. People have asked if there was something wrong when I was feeling just fine. To compensate, I’ve found myself smiling forcefully when socializing with strangers, wanting to assure them that they don’t have to worry. That I’m O.K.

Perhaps my annoyance at being told to smile depends on who is doing the asking, and why. Which leads to my experiment: I stopped smiling at people for a day and gauged reactions, including my own.

For a few days, I didn’t smile at my patients as they came and went. I wanted to smile at them, but instead, I pressed my mouth into a straight line. I felt as if I was being incredibly rude, as if I’d betrayed a social contract. Forcing myself to not smile, it turned out, was even harder than forcing myself to smile that full day. 

One of those days, after I reached home, I held the elevator door open in my building for a woman in a wheelchair as we squeezed into the narrow space together. We nodded hello and for a moment I forgot about the experiment and my lips shaped out without thinking: I smiled. Not an obligatory smile, not a coerced one, but a moment of sincere connection. She smiled back. And I felt good

My attempts at improving conversations

I love to butt into conversations, observe and listen to discussions on assorted topics, where friends sit around and talk about whatever is on their minds, may be with a drink. What am I looking for in these small talks? When people get drunk, there is the thrill of getting a glimpse into their personal life and beliefs, hoping to learn something different. But I think what I am really listening for is connection. I do not feel like I am ever eavesdropping on real people as I participate, too, getting closer, closer to each other or closer to a conversational destination that they did not know they were headed for when they set out. Whether we are participating in them or listening to them, the goal is to forget about the outcome and just connect. 

My adult behaviour must have been shaped from my upbringing when younger; where there was love in our home but no expression. Whether it was nature or nurture, I grew into a person who was a bit of an introvert but I have learned something profound along the way. A lot of the time, I used to just stand on the side and observe people mostly making an idiot of themselves with shallow knowledge yet, I used to stay silent for fear of hurting their emotional availability to me or their joys. If you had met me 5 years out of medical college, I think you would have found me a pleasant enough guy, cheerful, but surely inhibited — somebody who was not easy to connect to. In truth, I was a practiced escape artist. If you revealed some vulnerable intimacy to me like any talk on sex, I was good at moving always discretely to make meaningful eye contact with your shoes and then excusing myself to go home as relatives were expected.

Life has a way of tenderizing you, though. Becoming a husband and then a father was an emotional revolution, of course. Later, I absorbed my share of the normal blows that any adult suffers - broken promises, personal failures, financial vulnerability and everything that comes with getting older. The ensuing sense of my own frailty as well as the shock of cancer detection was good for me, introducing me to deeper, repressed parts of myself. I learned that living in a detached way is a withdrawal from life, an estrangement not just from other people but also from yourself. I am no exceptional person, but I am an observant grower. I do have the ability to look at my shortcomings and then try to better myself by learning from the better ones to prod myself into becoming a more fully developed person.

Being openhearted is a prerequisite for being a full, kind and wise human being. But it is not enough. People need social skills. The real process of, say, building a friendship or creating a community involves performing a series of small, concrete actions well: being curious about other people; disagreeing without poisoning relationships; revealing vulnerability at an appropriate pace; being a good listener; knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness; knowing how to host a gathering where everyone feels embraced; knowing how to see things from another’s point of view.

In any conversation, most people shoot the breeze for a while, before they descend and get immersed on to any one topic which is dissected threadbare and sometimes, as a postmortem. The tone of such discussions is always buoyant, full of comedic bits, at times good-natured teasing and at others reflecting hollowness. It is a fizzy soft drink feeling, fun and weird and straightforward enough to make lifelong friends or even enemies. It has made me listen to other people differently. But those who sprinkle warmth, humour and weird thinking with their repartee leave a significant impact. I did not care how long I had to go silent as I just wanted to keep listening and laughing along. And before I knew, with my years of voracious reading and hilarious experiences, I was drawn into conversations as an active participant. What makes a conversation interesting to take part is the same as what makes one interesting to listen to! My favourite conversations with friends, the ones in which I feel most connected, are sprawling, agenda free, even repetitive. They go on for hours and often fail to reach a coherent conclusion. But they have a key ingredient in common that I love: connection to suggest close presence, even after the conversation is long over. 

People want to connect but I see the results in the social clumsiness that I encounter too frequently. I estimate that only 30% of the people in the world are good question askers. The rest are nice people, but they just do not ask. I think it is because they have not been taught to and so do not display basic curiosity about others. Above almost any other need, human beings as social animals long to have another person look into their faces with love and acceptance. The issue is that we lack practical knowledge about how to give one another the attention we crave. Some days it seems like we have intentionally built a society that gives people little guidance on how to perform the most important activities of life.

People are not as clear as they think they are, and we’re not as good at listening as we think we are. Being a loud listener by continually responding to comments with encouraging affirmations, with “Oh, really,” “aha” and “yes” makes me better accepted. By asking: How did you come to believe that, I have learnt that it gets people talking about the folks and experiences that shaped their values. The quality of any conversation directly depends on the quality of the questions. Kids are phenomenal at asking big, direct questions. As adults, we get more inhibited with our questions, if we even ask them at all, we are generally too cautious. People are always much more revealing and personal when they are telling stories and people are dying to tell their stories but very often, no one has ever asked about them. Naturally, the conversation gets warmer and more fun.

People don’t go into enough detail when they tell a story and so, turn them into a narrator without trying to be a stopper. If somebody tells you he is having trouble with his teenager, don’t turn around and say: “I know exactly what you mean. I’m having incredible problems with my own child.” You may think you’re trying to build a shared connection, but what you are really doing is shifting attention back to yourself.

Asking people where they grew up when meeting for the first time inevitable gets people to be are at their best when talking about their childhoods. That gets them talking about their families and ethnic backgrounds. I once asked a group of doctors, “What’s one favourite unimportant thing about you?” I learned that a very impressive academic I know has a fixation on trashy reality TV. And there, after a hearty laughter, we established trust with each other. It is great to ask such crazy questions, ones that lift people out of their daily defence strategies and help them see themselves as one of us. One great ice breaker has been - If you died today, what would you regret not doing?

Intentionally or not, lots of people walk into conversations carrying a lot of elite baggage embedded in systems that disrespect them or keep them down. At times, it is political and there is often criticism, blame and disagreement in such conversations. The temptation to get defensive will be there but it’s best to resist this temptation. The first tip to any such conversation across difference or inequality is to stand in other people’s standpoint and fully understand how the world looks to them. 

In any conversation, respect is like air. When it’s present nobody notices it, and when it’s absent it’s all anybody can think about. My view of wisdom has changed over the years and I think tha the wise person’s essential gift is tender receptivity. Note that every conversation takes place on 2 levels. The official conversation is represented by the words we are saying on whatever topic we are talking about. The actual conversations occur amid the ebb and flow of emotions that get transmitted as we talk. With every comment, respect or disrespect will be exhibited, making one feel a little safer or a little more threatened. The essential moral skill in such situations is being considerate to others in the complex circumstances of everyday life rather than just be right. This art of fluid conversation, I wanted to learn initially for:

1. Utilitarian reasons - If I’m going to work as a clinician, I don’t just want to be a superficial diagnostician and therapy guy. I must understand my patients more deeply — to know whether he or his family is in any crisis, can he handle uncertainty with comfort or is he of a self-centered nature or generous to people around?

2. Moral reasons, too - If I can shine empowerment and positive attention on others, I can help them to blossom with least medication and fewer visits. If I see potential in their children, the family may come to see the hidden potential in them. True understanding is one of the most generous gifts any of us can give to another.

3. Reasons of congenial community survival - We have evolved over time to live with groups of people like ourselves. Now we live in wonderfully diverse societies, but our social skills are inadequate for the divisions that exist. 

If we let fear and a sense of threat grip our conversation, then very quickly our motivations will deteriorate. We won’t talk to understand but to pummel. Everything we say afterward will be injurious and hurtful and will make repairing the relationship in the future harder. If, on the other hand, I show persistent curiosity about your viewpoint, I show respect. And as the authors of “Crucial Conversations” observe, in the best conversations, whether they are between you and your mom on a marathon phone call or at a professional discussion, everyone is listening closely. They are curious about each other, asking is he reacting authentically or speaking just be heard. They are allowing the conversation to happen without muscling it toward any predetermined outcome but yes, they are all observing. What is important to learn and adopt is - If we are going to accompany someone well in the journey of a conversation, we need to abandon the perfection or efficiency mind-set. We need to take our time and simply delight in another person’s way of being. I hope conversations teach people not only how to understand others but also, how to make them feel respected, valued and understood. 

Am I the only hypocrite or the world is, too?

Until I started depending on Uber and Ola, I travelled everywhere by my car but that never failed to drive me crazy. This was because despite my sane waiting or crawling, impatient drivers would inevitably cut in right and left or at the very last moment, making those who exercised common decency or who followed the rules, appear as immature idiots. That included me and whenever this happened, I’d descend into a rage about the inconsiderate, selfish drivers but also tinged with something else: a kind of self-congratulatory smugness that I would never do such a thing. But when I reflected, I recalled that I do too at times - the genuine hypocrite!

In today’s divided, ostrich like situations, there is scarcely a more common epithet hurled in public life than “hypocrite.” The world is in a penumbra of impotence, even as we face wall-to-wall crises: the heating planet; wars in Ukraine, Gaza and Sudan; the migrant crisis, the famine crisis, etc. In place of action and solutions, which seem totally out of reach, we substitute judgment. And what is more satisfying to adjudicate than the charge of hypocrisy? 

After all, we are a collection of aspirations and failings, from which we try to be who we think we should be but constantly fall short. But I understand the appeal of calling out what looks like hypocrisy when we see it, since at no time in human history has it been possible so easily to detect, denounce and pitch the words of so many people against their deeds - the root portrayal of hypocrisy. Although hypocrisy presents in many forms, some are indisputable and relatively low, oozing with bad odour like when I ask my kids to state that I am out when I am snuggled lazily at home. 

Others have unbearably high stakes, like in the case of all politicians where the hypocrisy is starkly visible as they bathe and stay immersed in their sin of enduring deception. For the politicians, it is a kind of alluring power: pretending to be someone they are innately not - humble when they are not and intelligent when they are imbecile. This comes easy to them since they are always playing a pretending role when they profess heartless sympathy or when they are at their best, turning to political cynicism and when they are at their worst, veering towards hypocrisy. 

Catching this deception of politicians turn out to be deeply satisfying for the media, the layman and even even fellow politicians to bring low the person who previously had a claim to the moral high ground. And, the entire media will willingly sell their souls to obtain this perfume of luxury bashing without measuring the truth. The internet and social media have created a permanent record of publicly recorded stances, offering an all-you-can-eat buffet of human inconstancy, ready-made for our eager appetites. 

Steering away from politicians, hypocrisy is visible in other doamins too like the esteemed portals of learning and in the power of the pen, too. There was a time when being a college student meant that you willingly submitted to the rules, expectations and judgments of a professor or a department. You did not get to grade your teachers at the end of the term, as what mattered to the university was their opinion of you, not yours of them. The relationship was unabashedly hierarchical. As a student, you were presumed ignorant, but teachable. You paid the university for the opportunity to decrease your ignorance. Sadly, much of this has been overturned in recent years. Students today, whose parents often pay fortunes for their education, are treated like valuable customers, not sponge like apprentices. University curriculums have moved away from core requirements — the idea that there are things all educated people ought to have read, understood and discussed together — to a kind of mix-and-match set of offerings. Engineering teaching have endured frequent budgetary cuts for not being seen to provide practical benefits — viz. skills that are beyond practical value in the job market. The result has been the hollowing out of higher education. 

Professors cater to students and institutions with higher grades and diminished expectations.  Where do the kids in today’s academic institutions get conviction to shift focus away from their studies to Palestine and Ukraine? Part of it is youthful idealism, and part of it stems from ideological currents in elite academia and the media. But an equal part is the substitution of critical thinking with the ceaseless affirmation of emotional choice. Can we reverse the trend? There is a wisdom rooted in knowledge, expertise and experience that collectively goes by the name of authority. Isn’t it time to restore it.

As for news media, here too there was a time when Arnab Goswami used to be synonymous with “the nation wants to know…”, and be largely believed. His authority derived from the accuracy and quality of his reports. But slowly his audience understood that the news he was dishing was not simply facts, as they wanted but shaped and tainted with opinions. 

This is happening as the current approach is not to seek or create news media that provides straighter news or a better balance of opinion. It has been to turn the tables. Conservatives, including me, note that “mainstream media” often present a slant on the news. Why do media indulge in such hypocrisy? Is the bygone era of honest journalism dead? Because it has proved immensely profitable, especially on cable TV, radio airwaves and now podcasts. It has given previously disaffected consumers a much wider range of options for where they obtain their news, or at least the version of it that does the least to contradict their beliefs. 

But what it has produced is not better-informed citizens. It is a land of cacophony, confusion and conspiracy theories. To give hypocrisy a pass, one might argue, is to slide down a slope toward having no principles at all. In these merciless political times, it would be better for our minds to focus on the true betrayals that really matter. Perhaps if we embrace the inevitable inconsistencies within ourselves, we can have a more generous, less purity-focused people of practical good aimed at real change.

Think contra! What if higher education did some introspection away from hypocrisy and responded to plummeting public confidence by demanding a whole lot more of their students, especially through extensive core requirements? What if professors gave grades that reflected actual performance? What if administrators responded to rules-breaking through summary expulsions? What if the news media, also facing declining levels of trust, stopped catering to their least literate readers, stopped caring about their angriest ones, stopped publishing dumbed-down versions of news, and stopped acting as if journalism is just another form of entertainment? 

Maybe moves like these may spell the death of academia & the news media but may also help save them recover from the pits of their hypocrisy and as for me, it will help my turnaround from the small tit bits of hypocrisy that I have indulged in and realize now. The words today’s youth almost never want to hear — “You are wrong” — are sometimes the ones that, unknowingly, they must get used to.

The Art of wandering while travelling

Background

My wife and me have travelled a lot and we discovered that the best way to explore a place is on foot and that too, by simply wandering, with no specific goal in mind other than to drift along with our gut feel after following the must-see attractions. By ignoring the very concept of haste, walking randomly at safe places with sweat energy throws up amazing experiences that would otherwise slip past you, unnoticed. This approach has introduced us to the best things in terms of sightseeing, shopping and even eating. Imagine having time on hand in Paris, feasting on its sensuous pleasures, strolling alone and unafraid.

Being a Flâneur

I understand that such no-gooders are called Flâneurs - an archetype born in 19th-century Paris as a metropolitan character or a “passionate spectator” who “enters into the crowd as though it were an immense reservoir of electrical energy.” The philosopher and essayist Walter Benjamin called the flâneur a pedestrian with “a detective’s nose.” Little wonder the flâneur has captured imaginations, including mine, across cities and centuries.

Thus, you see, why we like to vacation in walkable cities and our first hours there are spent wandering. Where and when we turn is a game of chance and choice, not dictated by any rule. I might follow the sound of church bells, or drift towards the sounds of kids playing at a park or follow the scent of hot bread in the air and wind up at a bakery. To walk a city led by our senses rather than by a predetermined itinerary is to awaken to the city and, possibly, to ourselves. This gives us an opportunity to expand our capacity for wonder, to discover and delight in the simple things that we might have missed had we been aiming to get somewhere.

One early evening, while walking back towards our hotel after dinner in Vietnam, as we cut through the traffic, we heard music. A few steps later, we found ourselves at the edge of a hushed crowd at an outdoor private party. Only a moment ago I was on the sidewalk. Suddenly, I was absorbed into the music. I don’t remember what I ate for dinner that night, but I still recall the happy feeling of unexpectedly stepping into that music atmosphere. By walking a city in this engaged yet relaxed fashion, we may also become more open to the unexpected, to the little surprises that sometimes turn out to be the best part of a day, or an entire vacation. One afternoon, as I was trying to find a particular store in a city, I note that the exercise became a chore but truthfully, the walk was intriguing as I discovered local foods like roasted water chestnuts. Such aimless strolling is conducive to savoring, to finding joy in the moment, a practice that some social scientists have found can be cultivated and may help lead to a more fulfilling life through serendipity – the fulfilling search for the delectable, delicious, almost gustatory delights of the moment, possibly suggesting that the gods are smiling benevolently.

Strolling is an undeniably engaging way to plumb a city’s past. Clues are everywhere. Sometimes, it’s simply a matter of going slowly enough to notice signs and historical markers. Other times, an object or architectural detail that tickles the interest — a gate, a scripture that provides a passage to another time capsule. Stories of vanished ages can be triggered by a single stone, then explored back home through books and visits to various websites. We felt this aspect truly absorbing at Edinburgh.

Although exhilarating, being in a new city among so many strangers can turn disturbing due to the anonymity of the crowd and the questions of distinct identity change fueling dark imaginings. But being incognito isn’t just a boon for criminals. Rather, it’s an underrated benefit especially in the age of social media. Alone in a crowd, one can take a break from the persona that friends and family expect one to be. Once can be oneself, or “off stage,” giving onself the room to go at one’s own pace, to let the eye and mind wander, to stumble upon new ideas, even self-realization.

In addition to nurturing the ability to savor, strolling can be a way to begin to understand the cities we visit. In Tokyo, this strolling was my introduction to the city’s penchant for exquisite manhole covers where each municipality is encouraged to show off its own unique manhole cover designs, inspired by the regional elements. Elements like these sparked what would eventually become an abiding affection for Japan. Wandering neighborhoods amid contemporary and modernist buildings, temples, shrines, markets, Metro stations and department store food halls with bento boxes and Matcha cakes plus chocolates almost too exquisite to devour, helped to slowly reveal the magnificence of the place.

Thus, was born our vacation methodology as a routine that follow smells and sounds. In Waterloo, Canada, one spring, I followed the sun. I had a bad cold but it was the sort of unseasonably warm afternoon that draws everyone, even an ailing tourist, to the banks of the lake. I stopped to rest as pauses like these are as much a necessary part of travel, as putting one foot in front of the other. It was an unremarkable scene and yet, as I kept looking, it assumed a significant spot in my mind. Most of us travel with must-see destinations in mind. But every now and then, on a stroll to nowhere, we get reminded that life doesn’t get much better than communing with nature.

Today, all kinds of people today, including those for whom walking isn’t easy or possible, may consider themselves flâneurs and flâneuses. What stays indelible is a certain romance, an air of freedom and a permanent desire to pursue a slower, looser way of experiencing a city - if only for one lazy afternoon. Eventually, the return is to the hotel bed to retire. But, strolling unfamiliar streets, trying new things, seeing something beautiful or tasting something superb is gratifying beyond words with an unsaid feeling of gratitude and rekindling of the joie de vivre.

Mature Friendships resonate with different ingredients - That’s the truth!

Life shifts between the pre-50s & post-50s. When I was younger, I heard whispers that making friends gets harder with age. There was talk about how much life changes once a person hits 50. Forming strong bonds and truly connecting with someone becomes a rarity. One can’t find your people as easily as before to hang out with. Now that I’m on the other side of 60, I wish I could say this was an exaggeration. But, it’s true. 

When life stops being structured by institutions that metaphorically lurch you against new people, like college or at work, the numbers game no longer works in our favor. When we’re meeting more people on a regular basis, the chances are higher that a friendship might form. And when that’s no longer the case, those chances are lowered.

Of course, not everyone is a social butterfly either during college or at workplace. Some people naturally prefer their own company or small groups. Others might suffer from social anxiety or depression, both of which make it harder to be sociable in highly dense settings. But even if one does manage to make plenty of friends during the more social times in one's life, why don’t those relationships last? Why do so many friendships fizzle out? Why do conversation topics run dry? Why do more friendships become the casualty of an argument?

People change. As time moves us forward, we are changed by our experiences. When I think back to who I was a decade ago, that person lived by different desires, dreams, values and beliefs. That person’s life and my life greatly diverge. I couldn’t live my life from ten years ago now, and I’m sure the old me was not ready to live in my present. Many of us become more of who we are, and that makes us less flexible. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Too much willingness to bend to the whim of others leads to codependent relationships. Those relationships are fragile for the wrong reasons. They break the moment one starts to consistently assert oneself, at least mentally.

As one changes, so do the circumstances. One might relocate to a different city or get a new job. Maybe one shifts after retirement to a new adventure of self-exploration. One could find oneself examining even the existing relationship. These external factors mould the personality and one's life. The new begins to take the place of the old. Your needs change. As one ages, expectations from friendships change.

From prioritized external validation, excitement, and even escapism when younger to decent company with similar values. The more friends one had, the more one could hold on to the illusion of belonging. As life hands more duties,  responsibities and bigger obstacles, the needs change. This is at least true for people who want to grow up apart, from just growing old. One starts valuing one's own internal validation. The things that held so much significance in the past don’t really matter anymore. The focus shifts. One doesn't crave for universal appeal. One isn't trying to fit in everywhere. The priorities are different now. One just seeks people who share similar values and goals.

For example, if one wants a more travel based life, it will be hard to carve out time for people who don’t enjoy such activities. Similarly, if one is becoming more spiritually conscious or focusing on self development, one will want friends who are on the same page. When this happens, some relationships are bound to end. This is normal, but it’s also one of the most emotionally challenging lessons that life teaches. If one tries to hang on to expired relationships, one might feel stuck and at odds with self. Staying in places that has outgrown oneself is not a good idea in the long run. Quality begins to matter more than quantity. Having a few close friends can be more fulfilling than having hundreds of friends who don’t understand. Think about it. 

What purpose should a friendship serve? If one has contact lists of hundreds of people whom one calls “friends” but wouldn’t actually call, what good is that? As one gets on with building one's life, the need for big groups of friends is just not there anymore. Instead, one will want a higher level of communication and more emotional intimacy with a select few.

I have seen this transition happen in my own life. I have cut my social life down to a handful of very close friends. I did this by using our conversations and the depth of each relationship as a measure. I both value and benefit from my few close relationships more than I ever did from numerous superficial connections. Time matters more. I cringe when I think back to how much time I wasted in my earlier years. I focused on feeling externally validated. I kept investing in friendships that turned out to be a net negative. The sooner one learns how to be discerning, the less time one will waste on useless venturing. One can’t get the past back, but one can protect the present and future by making better decisions.

It might sound peculiar, but I have found that it is critical to really get to know someone before commitment to being their friend. I don’t rush into new friendships, any more. I learn what the person stands for, what their values are, and how they want to grow. I get to know them well. We should be able to share meaningful experiences with each other. It’s probably good to have some conflict too, so we can understand if our conflict resolution styles are healthy. Friendship is a very special bond. It can be a beautiful place of belonging if it works out, but it can also be a just a valueless word that gets thrown around to describe people who are little more than acquaintances. I have learned to treat the process of befriending someone seriously.

This was a huge perspective-shift for me. When I was younger, I just wanted to befriend people who seemed familiar. The connection had to be “natural”. This might seem like a better approach on the surface, but for someone with a history of toxic relationship examples, going for what feels natural can be a big mistake. When I did this, the friends who “felt right” turned out to be very wrong for my psychological health.

Many of us struggle with finding healthy relationships, but when one decides to be selective about the people in one's life, there will be at least an attempt to keep out those who are blatantly toxic. And once these changes are implemented, be prepared for pushback.

I can assure you that people who don’t respect you will take offense when they meet your boundaries, now. When things get tough, remind yourself that the little time left behind, belongs to you. It is a limited and unpredictable currency, and you have the right to use it in ways that add meaning to your life. Rest can go and drown themselves.